The guilt, the joy, and the sleepless nights

The guilt, the joy, and the sleepless nights: a brief story of a perfectionist mother navigating the parenthood.

When I told my manager about my pregnancy and we were discussing about the parental leave, she told me to take things slow and lightly. Something that surprises me because I know her as a workaholic manager so I didn't expect to get such a response. I was wondering, "isn't good to go back to work as early as possible? Because our daughters can benefit to have a solid role models.. the mothers who work!"

few months later, the baby is there. She is barely two months old and I feel beaten. My manager was right. Even a highly productive manager advises me to give myself some slack.. because motherhood can be hard.

Shortly,

I feel beaten and exhausted from constant breastfeeding, diaper changes, holding and cradling the baby, and definitely the cries.

My mom told me not to listen to every cry and let the baby cries (for a while). But if she cries so much she lost her weight and sleeps. Not to mention a mental impact that we could see later in life. So I didn't listen to my mother's advice... Because look at me: I am mentally anxious and have an actute separation anxiety as kids. So I don't want my daughter to be so uptight like me.

But I know my mother did her best given her circumstances back then. I look up to her when it comes to be independent and be resourceful.. but I could've a happier early life.

I feel beaten... because I am 32 (a mature mother with hands of google knowledge, parenting books, and loads of scientific readings) but somehow a 20 year old something mother can do "this job" better than me.

Sometimes, I spent days and nights crying because I don't know what my baby wants. Does she want more milk? How long does she sleep? Does she gain enough weight? Why doesn't she sleep on baby stroller and accept pacifier?

Do I parents correctly?

I read tons of article about growth spurt, witching hour, wake windows, cluster feedings, etc. I went with my baby to baby massage course. I don't eat dairy, chocolate, eggs, peanuts, and citrus fruits.

I do follow the scientific suggestions out there and I listen to my baby's needs. But even with knowledge and instincts, I feel like a failure.

Yes, my baby is healthy... she is in the green curve and hit her development milestones so far. But my angst is still there. Is it a brith trauma? or am I being perfectionist?

Not to mention that I am longing to be productive.. to wear that corset, do that pelvic exercise, run errands, do business, check email and LinkedIn.. and that mothers' guilt hit me. My baby is just two months old, why do I desire to have the same speed like before? Or am I just a slob who can't manage time?

This kind of thoughts lingering on my head constantly.. if it is not my husband, my mom, my family, and other friends who pulled me out from my tunnel vision.. I would have gone to that rabbit hole. I realized that this support system is much needed during this time.

I know I am strong and I will come out this situation even stronger.. but carrying the baby for hours, cluster feeding for every hour, the constant fear that I have too less milk or too much put a toll on me.

I only have one baby and I really do not want to fail her. She is only this small once in her life. She might not remember it that I pat her nonstop when she cries, but I believe she can feel it.

This baby is so loved and I pray everyday that the universe will keep her safe, healthy, and happy.

Sometimes when I cry she will smile and laugh, so I know that being strong is the only option here. It feels like she told me that my negative emotions are okay and we can smile again after we cry. She is such a happy baby!

Another mindset that puts me into a healthier perspective is: "we are a team"

At the end of the day is not all about me or her. Like working on a team, each member is important. We are a breastfeeding team, we are a sleeping team, and we are also a mother and daughter team. To work in a team means to strive for the common goals.

Our goals is to enjoy this moment as mother and daughter. She is only a small baby once but I may be also a mother once.. so I shouldn't be hard on myself and on her.

There is no perfect parent, no perfect baby, and definitely no perfect parenting. If we make a mistake today, let's learn from it.