What kind of Mother (and a Woman) I want to be?

As I spent a lot of time breastfeeding and put my baby to sleep... I also spent a lot of time thinking and contemplating my situation. Currently, I do everything by hours and days.

My live revolves around the baby sleeping schedule and waking hours.

To develop fully, babies need to eat, sleep, and play enough. So I do my best to incorporate my life to mold her sleep and waking habits.

It is a 24 hours job - from sleep train to spoon train. I want to make sure that whatever training she received, it is age appropriate for her mental development (not too soon and not too late).

Sometimes parents want to jump directly to a sleep train where babies can sleep alone. However, I read that they are mentally not ready to connect sleep cycles before 5 to 6 months. So although Victoria can sleep independently by putting her awake but drowsy, she can't connect her cycles fully. It means she will wake in one or two hours to search for comfort. At four months baby will also recognize people as their comfort source, so they will develop separation anxiety. They will grow out of it but not right now when they are still so little.

It is called "object permanence", it is when babies and toddlers started to realize that something can exist without sensing them. So separation routine is something that we should train very carefully (makes separation short but happy, do not leave too long, leave the baby when she is happy, not hungry, and at her safe place etc.) It is important to train goodbyes and reunions because life will be full of it.

So currently, I sleep when the baby sleeps and I left her only when she is awake or very minimal when she sleeps. I know it sounds crazy but I am on my bed for about 12-14 hours everyday!

Thankfully I have a supportive husband and a means to hire a household helper. Otherwise I will have much more stress and much more cries at home.

I do all of these with the hope that Victoria can connect her cycles by 6 months and grow out her separation anxiety by toddlerhood.

So anyway, I keep thinking what kind of mother I want to be for my daughter? It is very likely that I will be her role model for the rest of her life. So I better get this thing right.

There are some golden rules that I want my daughter learn from me:

1. As a mother, I want to tell the truth

It sounds simple but as kids you may remember when your parents lie and you knew it. Kids understand feeling. Doesn't matter how good you cover things up, kids will sense if something not right. So I want that Victoria knows the truth from early on. Something simple like "mom is tired that's why she is not in the mood to play long"

"Dad is working to earn money for the milk and toys"

or a bitter truth that she can't always get what she wanted in life. But there are other things better!

2. As a mother, I will always keep my promise and trust her that she will keep her promises most of the time

It is very simple like, "I will come back in 5 minutes" then I will definitely come back within 5 minutes (not half an hour later).

"Let's go to cinema this weekend" and we will definitely go to cinema this weekend. I believe by keeping promises and trusting her, she will do the same to us parents.

3. As a mother, I want to expose her to as many experiences she can get as a kid.

Nature, science, traveling, photography, another language and other cultures. There are so many things to discover. Despite my thorough thinking, I am also fun. I know that her Dad has a better sense of humor, but as long as I can play and make things fun for her, I want to do it.

So do I want to be a hot mama? Definitely not. Yes, as a woman like to have nice things and be pretty. And thankfully I have things I want even before motherhood. So if there is a new nice purse that I like, I may want to own it but it is not a must to have it. Furthermore, I always believe that we have pretty genes (at least this is how my parents taught me that we are just born attractive 🤣) So I never spent so much time to make that eyebrow or put that extra highlighter to feel pretty. I just make sure that I eat healthy, taking care of my skin, and minding my weight and voila.

But I want Victoria to learn about manner. How she should behave when there are guests around and how she should eat, dress, and carry herself appropriately. Maybe she will rebel and dislike anything feminine, but having a good manner is a skill. She can use this skill or throw this skill out of the window, it is definitely up to her.

I also want to show Victoria that women can work, earn, and be as smart or even smarter than men. In this case, it is very important for me to go back as a workforce. Do I want to advance my career? Maybe yes. But at the moment I am not sure.

My husband is currently very on track with his career and money is not an issue for us. So to advance my career and climb that ladder may cost us that precious time the family needs. Otherwise I have no reason except my ambition to proof (which I know it is simply an ego from my side). So if the time and circumstances allow, I want to climb that ladder otherwise I am simply happy to earn enough, have social circle at work and outside work, and saving for my pension.

With all these wishes, I know that I need to live up to it. I can't expect Victoria to tell the truth or carry herself appropriately if I am not living it.

I didn't expect that I will change so much after kid. But here I am, I feel like I grew up a lot in a short period if time. I become more confident, I value a lot of cognitive activities and I don't care so much about material things.

However, I think it is very important for parents to make sure that they need to finance their life even after retirement. So thats why I want to work and to earn, because your kids should definitely not carry this burden as adults.

At the end, my dad recites this poem to us when we were little. So I will continue this message to my daughter:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- Khalil Gibran -